I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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