Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
