When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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