Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
