I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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