Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
