Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
