hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
worst night to have a conscience
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
