you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize