my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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