I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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