my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
