when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
