my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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