I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
