I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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