if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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