the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
