Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
