I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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