I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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