Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
