I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
