Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
