Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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