I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
