my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
