we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
