can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
