i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
