so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
