Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
