Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
