i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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