At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
