no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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