i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
