They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I smell stomach acid.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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