Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
