I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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