I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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