totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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