I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
