dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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