did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
