Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
