Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
