allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
