I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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