This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
