sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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