I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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