take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
