I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
