oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
