Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
