i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
