I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
