we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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