Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
