I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
